LAWRENCE  J.  GUTTER 

Collection  of  Chicogoono 

THE    UNIVERSITY   OF   ILLINOIS 
AT  CHICAGO 

The  University  Library 


X 

THIRD 
MONTHLY  DIISTNER 

Weai26:sa8.2^,  Fe£raar^  14t^,  1900. 
HoTEXi  Bismarck. 


JULIUS  GOLDZIER. 
Committee  of  Arrangements:  \  WALTER  J.  RAYMER. 
EUGENE  R.  PIKE. 


■I 


©artercoauPi  ng. 


^f  the  drainage  board  the  bridges  would  build, 

^f  the  dreams  of  T^aGann  would  come  true, 
^f  the  city's  vaults  were  witl}  money  filled, 

^f  ^llicott's  schemes  would  do. 
^f  the  tunnels  could  be  lowered  some  afternoon, 

J^nd  done  at  the  con^p' nies'  e^bense, 
^f  the  river  could  be  deepened  wiil}  a  tablesbooq, 

'^iih  thaqlfs  for  the  recompense, 
^f  ^errmanq  could  worlf  his  underground  trolley, 

^f  Golds ier  could  bury  the  trades, 
^f  the  ta^-payer  could  be  cured  of  his  folly 

ji^nd  never  object  to  his  ta^, 
^f  qoboby  J^ic^ed  about  dirty  streets 

©r  because  tl^ey  are  not  lighted, 
^f  paving  contractors  never  were  cl^eats, 

^f  alleys  never  were  sli^tited. 
^f  "ijipley  some  robbers  and  burglars  would  talfe, 

^f  licensed  were  each  bar  and  tap, 
Q/^,  what  a  dandy  rqayor  ^'d  rqaiie, 

The  job  would  be  a  snap. 


fMENul 


BLUE    POINTS 

OLIVES  ENGLISH  CELERY  RADISHES 

RussiA-N    Sandwiches 


CHICKEN    BOUILLON 

(rN  CDPs) 


PLANKED    ^VHITEFISH 

TORNEDOS   OF*   BEEF" 

(gerbiax  style) 


MALLARD    DUCK 

COMBINATION    SALAD  MIXED    COMPOTE 


CHEESE 

COFFEE  CIGARS 


Hold  up  the  street  car  companies, 

Go  sell  tl^e  city  l^all, 
Dispose  of  tl^e  water-works  system 

Before  she  goes  to  the  wall, 

Sandbag  tl^e  sanitary  district, 
Get  money  wherever  you  can. 

E'en  rent  your  beautiful  air-castles, 
Sweet  dreamer,  Larrg  McGann, 


Motfter  <Ku66arc|  J<?erfoof. 


Old  Kerfoot  Hubbard  went  to  the  cupboard 
To  see  wl^ere  the  moqey  went, 

When  l^e  got  there  the  treas'ry  was  bare 
Ar|d  he  couldn't  find  a  cent, 

He  went  to  the  banks,  but  l^e  got  qo  thanks, 
He  sweat  till  he  melted  his  collar, 

He  begged  ar\d  plead,  he  swore,  'tis  said, 
But  he  couldn't  borrow  a  dollar. 


iiY.  "^aPenfine'A  f^oPf  ©afP. 


COUOHLIN: 

The  glas!<  of  fashion  and  the  mould  of  form. 

—Hamlet. 

KENNA: 

Short  aUhe  of  stature  and  of  speech. 
Yet  in  the  "fusV  aman  of  mighty  reach. 

GUN THE R: 
Things  sweet  prove  in  digestion  sour. 

—Richard  III. 

When  Gunther  arises  to  speak  for  a  cause 

He's  always  received  with  deafning  applause. 

His  record  is  right  a«  you  all  well  Imow. 

For  when  Coughlin  votes  -aye"  he  always 

votes  "no."  A,  w,r. 

PIKE:  ^'n,<. 

This  slender  fish  was  never  caught  as  yet. 
But  in  the  voters'  wiley  net. 

FITCH: 

Smooth  in  his  talk— he  deals  in  oil. 
The  B.  R.  IMS  him  in  its  coil. 

ALLING: 

''Who  steals  my  purse  steals  trash." 
To  kill  a  burglar  is  counted  no  sin. 
In  the  peace-loving  ward  that  Ailing  lives  in. 
He  carries  no  pistol,  but  catches  his  breath. 
Seizes  the  robber  and  talks  him  to  death. 

H.HJ. 

JACKSON: 

Wlien  death  calls  Jackson,  he'll  arise  and 

speak : 

"I  move  that  action  he  defored  one  iveek. 

Iivant  more  time  for  to  coniiidcr  well 

Whether  I  go  to  heaven  or— the  other  place." 

A  hiY 
FOREMAN: 

Beware  thou  naughty  Traction  Co. 
Our  worthy  Milton  is  your  foe. 
Some  day  with  sharpness  and  precision. 
It  may  awaken— that  commissioii. 


CONNOR: 

Hi!  Hi!  Ye  ruffians  of  the  border 
Give  way— I  have  a  "pint  of  order." 

BLAKE: 

'Nay,  if  you  he  an  U7ide7-taker  I  am  for  you. 
—Twelfth  Night. 


MARTIN: 

Know  many  things  and  say  hut  few 
That  Martin  is  a  case  for  you. 

McCOBMICK: 

Those  dogs  of  yours— mxich  is  the  pity 
Don't  furnish  substance  for  a  ditty. 


PICK: 

"That  I  should  love  a  bright  particular  star." 
—All's  Well  that  Ends  Well. 

BRENNER: 

You  had  a  lamb  in  wolf's  attire; 
Keep  on  and  great  things  are  in  store  for  you. 
Your  brilliant  wit  and  your  satire 
Secure  your  seat— they  do— they  do. 


NOVAK: 

Smooth  is  the  man  from  the  8th  ward— 

Polished  of  manner  and  speech- 
Worshipped  is  he  by  the  ladies- 
Virtue  herself  he  could  teach. 

Beauty  like  his  is  ne'er  equaled— 
Swagger  the  clothes  on  his  back — 

Bank  rolls  are  his  and  big  diamonds— 
Where  did  you  get  'em.  Novak? 


A-Hr- 


GARRY: 


You  do  not  shine  in  logic  or  oration. 

Your  strong  point  is— increase  of  ^mpulation. 


CULLERTON: 

^- Marry,  master  schoolmaster,  he  that  is 
likest  to  a  hogshead.'"       —Loves  Labor  Lost. 

HURT: 

Rudolph  it  hurts  to  lose  you  without  com- 
pensation, 
Small  is  your  ward,  much  greater  is  tJw  nation 
Oh  please— just  cui'h  your  congressional  aspi- 
ration. 


BRENNAN: 

Those  tracks  must  go. 
AH  "ayes"— no  "no." 

NOVAK: 

We  heard  a  voice  above  the  din. 
Zimmer  is  out  and  Novak  counted  in. 


COLSON: 
The  man  who  hath  no  music,  isn't  you. 
The  more  you  have,  the  stronger  your  desire. 
When  Carter  virtuously  divorced  the  can  and 

lyre. 
You  made  it  hot  for  him  —  you  kept  him  on 

theflre. 

DUDDLEST'ON: 

' '  That  island  of  England  breeds  very  valian  t 
creatures ;  their  mastiffs  are  of  unmatchable 
courage."  — Hemy  v. 

Tlie  boys  seem  never  fair  with  you  to  tote; 
But  once  do  they  pei'mit  you  —  to  explain 
your  vote. 

NEAGLE: 

Things  seem  to  come  to  a  peculiar  pass— 
They  will  no  longer  let  me  talk  on  gas. 
They  curb  free  speech,  send  me  to  my  commit' 
I  think  I  will  resign— but  maybe  nit. 

PATTERSON: 

The  city  beautiful  votes  you  a  vote  of  thanks ; 
All  are  with  you— all.  all— the  cranks. 
Something  must  go.  'tis  plain  noiv  to  the  vieiv 
Either  the  bill  hoay-ds  go.  or  else  you. 


MAYPOLE: 

In  virtue  art  thou  so  eyiwrapped. 

As  thy  namesake  is  in  flowers; 
Yet  like  that  Chinee  that  once  was  trapped. 

In  your  sleeve  you  keep  the  bowers. 


FOWLER: 

Our  modest  Frank,  so  shy  and  so  retirin{). 
Must  needs  to  other  jobs  be  now  aspiring. 
So  Tanner  just  to  hai'e  a  lark 
Appoints  him  as  a  watchdog  of  the  park. 

Now,  like  Colossus,  great  of  old. 
Behold  our  Fowler  keeping  hold 
inth  one  foot  on  the  council's  neck. 
Wilh  the  other  keeping  the  hoard  in  check. 

BEILFUSS: 

■'Germans  are  honest  men."—  Men-y  wives. 
BOS: 
Fi!  Fa!  Fum! 
I  smell  the  blood  of  an  Englishman. 

RAYMER: 

You  would  not  vote  for  Joubert  and  Oom  Paul 
It  seems  you're  right— your  head  is  level; 
They  need  no  sympathy,  it  seems,  at  all. 

They've  chased  old  Buller  to  the 

Tiigela. 
HALLSTROM: 

As  tailor  you  are  full  of  courage  and  gi-^it. 
But  in  the  Council  you're  wedded  to  Miss  Fit. 

KUNZ: 

A  man  of  spirit  very  often, 
A  man  of  spirits  all  the  time. 

SMULSKI: 

Beware  the  snares  of  Washington, 
O statCAiman  dear,  beware; 

But  ere  this  caution  you  need  heed, 
Git  there,  me  boy,  git  there. 

OBERNDORF: 
Your  vote  counts  one— just  like  another. 
And  that  is  all— good  night,  dear  brother. 

JOHNSON: 
Thy  greatness  still  is  incubating. 
And  we  are  waiting,  waiting. 

CONLON: 
•'There's  place  and  means  for  every  man 
alive."  —All's  Well  That  Ends  Well. 

BRENNAN: 
Full  many  a  year  J.  J.  has  sat 

All  i7i  the  city  hall 
Has  fostered  many  a  measure  pet. 

And  others  brought  to  fall. 
The  boys  have  gone  and  others  came. 

They  corae  and  go  by  scores ; 
But  Brennan  stays  there  just  the  same. 

Attending  to  his  chores. 


POWERS: 

He  feeds  his  ward  on  turkey  fat. 

With  taffy  feed^  the  town; 
And  what  hetweeti  the  two  of  them 

He  does  you'se  fellows  brown. 
The  district  wires  he  will  snip 

With  scitisors  long  and  sharj); 
And  use  the  pieces  hit  by  bit 

To  make  an  Irish  harp. 

MORRIS : 
Of  Johnny's  laurels  he  wants  his  share. 
So  where  you  find  Powers,  Mori-is  is  there. 

BROWN: 

Great  eloquence  and  great  i-enown. 
You've  got  him  —  that's  Brown. 

PETTIBONE: 
The  record  made  by  you  is  good ; 

What  wonder— come  to  think 
You,'re  making  records  every  day 

With  nde  and  printers'  ink. 

HERMANN: 
"How  wise  is  Ald'man  Hermann,  pa. 
Of  whom  I  hear  so  much! 
Is  he  like  brainy  Harrison, 

Whose  wisdom  beats  the  Dutch?" 
"'Tis  not  his  wisdom  makes  him  great 
Nor  what  he's  done  or  said ; 
But  resolutions  he  has  writ 

And  schemes  he's  in  his  head. 
"Heknows  how  street  cars  should  he  run- 
He's  Goldzicr's  norihside  pal- 
He's  going  to  do  a  lot  of  things 
And  dig  a  ship  canal."    a    u  ./ 

WERNO: 
Our  Carl  a  naval  hero  is. 

You'll  know  it  late  or  sooner; 
For  though  it  isn't  ju^t  his  '-biz." 

He's  mastered  many  a  schooner. 

GOLDZIER: 
"Keep  your  eye  on  the  safe,"  the  traction 
folks  say, 
When  Goldzier  is  around. 
'•He's  trying  to  steal  our  franchise  away. 
And  makeus  run  cars  underground. 

A.h.r. 
SMITH: 

St.  Valentine  his  greeting  sends  to  giddy 

youths  like  you, 
And  bids  you  ere  another  year,  some  maiden 

fair  to  woo ; 
A  city  father,  bachelor,  for  shame,  my  friend, 

for  shame; 
Now  get  a  move,  we're  onto  you,  in  fact  we 

know  your  game. 


OLSON: 

We  know  you  well — you  deal  in  milk, 

'Least  so  the  paper  states ; 
You're  just  like  others  of  your  ilk. 

Look,  at  your  water  rates. 

PETERSON: 

Do  you  like  waterfowl,  you're  in  luck; 
Ju.'<t  call  the  roll  and  see  him.  "Duck." 

HELM: 

"Where  are  you  going,  my  pretty  man?" 
"I'm  going  to  the  Council  as  quick  as  I  can." 
■■Andwliatis  your  foiiunc,"  was  said,  was 

said, 
"I  deal  in  reforms,"  he  said,  he  said. 

GRIFFITH: 

"  What's  that  roaring,  rasping  noise  I  hear— 
Tliose  cracked-bassoon  remarks?" 

"TJiat's  Griffith  talking  through  his  whiskers, 
dear, 
About  the  smaller  parks."        A.  t-\  .  Y- 

BUTLER: 

Each  man  his  hobby  has,  alas,  and  every  one 

Ms  kink; 
But  how  can  one  a  Butler  be— and  never  take 

a  drink? 

SCHLACKE: 
Financial  troubles  sore  beset,  this  man  of 

great  renown ; 
He  can  "soak"  his  watch  to  pay  his  debts— but 

how  about  the  town? 
Don't  grieve,  dear  Willie,  time  icill  come  in 

its  eternal  trend. 
When  we  shall  money  have  to  burn,  when 

we'll  have  stuff  to  lend. 

BLAKE: 

Talk,  of  your  model  Aldermen  —  he  takes  the 

cake  — 
Grammar  and  law,  hurrah,  that's  our  Blake. 

BUTLER: 

Thy  beauty  stuns  the  muse,  she  ponders— 
She  takes  thy  features  in,  thy  manly  look. 

And  as  she  gapes  and  stares  and  wonders. 
She  passes  sentence,  "Warmest  baby  in 
the  book." 

KEENY: 
When  roll  is  called  on  pavements  new 

You  always  vote  your  mind. 
The  boys  say  that  is  all  you  do, 

But  I  say  that's  unkind. 


BIGANE: 

We  sent  you  off  to  New  York  far, 

A  sample  of  our  men. 
We  b7-ought  you  hack  in  our  car. 

Don't  ask  us  how  nor  when. 
We  looked  for  yoti  in  evem  nook, 

But  you  seemed  playing  tag ; 
The  porter  brought  you  and  the  cook. 

You  had  a  Gotlmm.  —fainting  spcU. 

RECTOR: 

The  worst  of  all  the  council  ills. 
Is  lack  of  quorum  for  your  bills. 

CAREY: 

Wlienever  in  debates'  hot  fire, 
Ymir  anger  rises,  or  your  ire, 
Wlienever  Eddy  isn't  nice, 
Just  tell  him,  charge  it  up  on  ice. 

RUSSELL: 

Whatever  may  be  said  of  you, 
Oh  let  it  go,  its  surely  true. 

BOYD: 

Boys,  hist!  'tween  me  and  you. 

The  Hickory  Club  will  pxdl  me  through. 

ZEMAN: 
No  sooner  had  your  ward  you  landed. 
Than  on  the  schools  of  marriage  you  stranded 
Now,  Anton  dear,  please  keep  in  mind 
That  elections  cmd  marriages  are  of  different 

kind. 
You  may  break  your  faith  with  your  worthy 

constits; 
If  you  do  it  with  Madam  you'll  surely  get  fits. 

BADENOCH: 

''Silence  is  golden"— 'tis  freely  averred— 
Is  a  maxim  Badenoch  never  has  heard. 
He's  seven  feet  high  as  he  stands  in   Ids 

breeches, 
But  he's  not  half  as  long  as  one  of  ?n"s 

speeches.  A  ,H'K 

EIDMANN: 

Eidmann  is  no  reformer. 

He's  got  no  wings  of  flame; 

He  has7i't  much  to  say,  sir. 

But  he  gets  there  just  the  same. 

He  can't  orate  like  Badenoch, 

Though  he  oft  breaks  out  in  spots- 
Lots  of  things  he  don't  know. 


But  he  knows  things  alwut  lots. 


fi, ,  H.X 


MAYOR: 

"Look  out  for  Mavor,"  is  the  warning  sign. 
The  Northivestern  "L"  has  erected. 

''He  held  up  the  trains  one  day  on  our  line 
And  a  cold  hundred  thousand  collected." 

NELSON: 

Aid.  Nelson  has  a  little  snap 

Peculiarly  his  own; 
Altlwugh  among  his  many  friends 

'Tis  often  freely  throum. 

While  talking  for  good  city  Jaws 

He's  always  very  Itappy, 
And  measures  bad  he  loudly  scores 

In  speeches  tart  and  snappy. 

n.hiY. 

D'ARCY: 

The  Doctcyr's  Jiours  are  very  short  when  given 

to  the  people; 
He  leaves  the  Council  every  night  when  ni^ie 

strikes  from  the  steeple. 
He's  gone  for  good,  he  won't  retwn  when 

come  the  April  showers ; 
Good  bye,  dear  Doctor,  ta,  ta,  ta,  keep  on 

keeping  good  hours. 


WATKINS: 

Yoxi  are  the  model  alderman, 
At  least  you  are  in  figure. 

God  bUss  that  bay  window,  my  dear. 
May  it  grow  big  and  bigger. 


MATH: 

Good  boy  —  good  bye'. 

We  hope  Vis  not  forever; 
For  though  you  tire  us  off  and  on. 

We  think  you're  good  and  clever. 


BENNETT: 

Four  front  e.vtends  way  to  your  back. 
Your  broiv  is  Mgh  and  fair; 

Of  brains  that  eraniuin  camiot  lack. 
Or  else  y(m'd  have  more  hair. 


PRESS  OF  MAX  STERN  &  CO.,   CHICAGO. 


